Sunday, 14 January 2018

January Blues

January blues are the worst. There I said it. After all the excitement of Christmas and New Year has died down, there comes a moment shortly afterwards where all the festivities settle down and everything just seems a bit 'meh'. The weather is cold, dreary and miserable which just leaves some of us feeling a bit flat. We keep our spirits and motivation up by planning our goals for the year as something to strive towards and ignite that spark inside us again and begin to utilise these plans as soon as possible. We also reflect on the past year and the goals we had set for ourselves and assess ourselves at to why they did or didn't get fulfilled.

I personally didn't achieve all my goals from last year and I've decided to not dwell on it very much. It was mainly little bits and pieces anyway. The ones I really wanted to improve on I achieved so I'm satisfied. I did debate that usual blogger post of new goals and reflecting on last year's but I found myself not having the energy to be honest. I think with all the posts and tweets about goals on social media it's easy to compare and to beat yourself up about the things you didn't do and I don't think we should. We should celebrate our lives and be appreciating that we are living on this beautiful planet and seen another year, another day and that's what is more important.

I read a brilliant tweet the other day which basically summed up how I was feeling about January so far: "I've decided my 2018 will start on February 1st, January is a free trial month"(@Judgment) and this couldn't be more true to me. I feel like I'm going to just deal with the dramas that January is apparently bringing to me right now. Ride it out. And by February I'm going to start afresh properly and with a positive mental attitude.

I usually don't share on this blog when I'm feeling low but I find it somewhat therapeutic at the moment to get my thoughts down. I've just felt this month has become a total right off already. Normally I'm one of those folk I mentioned just now who is so motivated and hyped up for the coming year "I'm so ready for (insert year)!", "I want to do this, this year!" , "I'm going to work on that, this year", but this year I'm just like "meh, I'll wait".  I think it's a combination of this wind pipe infection I've had over the Christmas period which still hasn't buggered off and there's been some difficult family issues going for a while now but more recently has been getting on top of me leaving me feeling mentally and physically drained the majority of the time. I feel overwhelmed a lot more quickly than usual. I feel like I can't even have any time to myself anymore because it's been devoted to looking after others. Which don't get me wrong, I normally don't mind doing but I feel like I need a break now and again to give myself some self care so I don't get bogged down by everything. It doesn't help that the other family member who helps out has gone away for 2 weeks so there's just 2 of us holding down the chaotic fort right now. Maybe once they are back I'll feel more positive I'm not entirely sure. My room is usually one of the very few places that I feel I can relax but lately I feel like the second I sit down to try and relax I'm constantly being pestered to run around after everything and everyone, sly digs, silly and petty arguments over things that a few months ago wouldn't even bat an eyelid over (pointless crap, as I like to refer to it as), being guilt tripped into doing favours for others who are more than capable of doing it themselves which leaves me feeling a bit taken advantage of but then if I complain and stick up for myself, I end up being the bad guy for upsetting people by telling them how I feel. I can't win. I feel like at times I'm treading on eggshells making sure to keep everyone happy and not set certain family members off into causing any dramas and in turn has left me feeling constantly unsettled all the time. I do cling onto the hope that things will get better in time and I'll start to feel more positive but as someone who is impatient (not a trait I'm proud of) I find it difficult to not think to myself "I wish everything would sort itself soon!" on a daily basis. I'm fortunate I have people I can talk to but I do worry that by sharing with other family members then they become worried too. Maybe I need outside help? I don't know, I haven't came to a conclusion yet but I will play it by ear for the time being. I just feel like lately the only time I really get to myself is when everyone else goes to sleep. But I find the idea of being up and trying to sort my life out during the hours of 11.30pm - 5am not exactly appealing to be honest. I love my sleep too much. Or when everyone goes to work during the weekday; I work from home so I can finally get work done in peace which is great. Or spending time with my boyfriend or meeting up with my friends. They have been a great, happy escape from the stresses of home life right now.

On a much different topic, I look around the complete mess in my room. My 'chairdrobe' piling up of clothes, a pile of clothes and shoes I need to organise to sell on my Depop page, clothes hung up on the wardrobe doors, my desk cluttered with notebooks and chocolate coins off Christmas, the box on the floor full of games I need to get round to selling on and parcels of recently ordered items. It basically sums up how I feel internally- a big ol' mess. I really need to get my act together over this next week and start one by one getting everything tidied up properly. I feel like a tidy room will hopefully give me a more tidy mind. As Creighton W. Abrams Jr. once said: "When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time", for this month I'm going to interpret that quote as not thinking of every single task I need to get done all at once and focus on setting myself small tasks to do day by day to get me to that end result that I desire.
I feel like once my 'relaxed space' is tidied up and this infection finally buggers off I can focus better attention on the family stuff with a more clear head space hopefully. Fingers crossed!

Thanks to anyone who reads this rather miserable post from me, sorry it's not my usual style and that I'm not my usual self but hopefully this sheds some light as to why that is the case. But I really appreciate you listening to my thoughts. I think I might take a couple of weeks off from my blog just to get myself in a better frame of mind so when I come back I can be back to my not so normal self again. Take care everyone & I will catch up with you very soon!

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